Kicking into Creation

Well Ive done it.
found my purpose I mean.
of course I could just be manic.... but I don't think so, Ive checked that.

I was playing really, when I started to make a video.  I wasn't setting out to find the answer to all the questions Ive been asking lately.  But somehow that's what happened.

Admittedly it helped that I liked the web cam functions for taking still shots and add to that my new found respect for what I actually can look like given the slightest amount of attention to myself.  (like actually using some of the techniques I was taught at beauty school) oh yes... me... beauty school.  I was taught by the best of the best how to apply make up, how to give facials, how to pluck eyebrows... that's probably why I avoid all of the above like the plague. 

Recently however I started realising that although I don't actually give a shit what people think of me and I don't encourage people judging books by their covers in the slightest.... it actually makes ME feel a bit nicer having applied a small amount of eyeliner and lippy.  It always used to be such a statement in the lesbian world.

"are you a lipstick, butch, boi, gurl, in, out, bi, trans, sporty" the list truly does go on.

I always found it hard enough to identify as 'Lesbian' personally.  It always seemed like just another label and to be honest I've always maintained that I don't fall in love with someone because of whats between their legs, its a soul thing as far as I'm concerned. 

In saying that if you stood a naked man and woman in front of me you can guarantee I would hardly look at the man, but I'm quite sure even straight women must feel like that.  I mean a penis just isn't attractive is it.  where as breast are comforting to anyone subconsciously I'm sure.  Naturally I could be wrong, but if I am that just makes me a lesbian which I pretty much already knew.

For a few weeks, in my life, the pressure and eminent threat of change has been building.  I have been sat wracking my brains trying to think of business ideas, career paths I could pick, All sorts of things and suddenly, while playing, it came to me.

I preach and I preach about being who you came here to be, about walking your path, living your life the way you want to live it, ultimately being happy.  No-one really reads what I write though since I have a tendency to ramble, well that and a general laziness on my part when it comes to actually doing anything with anything I write.

Its a bit hard to play the "hard done by unpublished writer" role if you don't actually even try to get anything published.  HOWEVER.... One of the key things that I have learnt in life is that you don't do something expecting something in return.

Therefore its never been a surprise to me how many people are unhappy at work.  People work for money.  People work for for all sorts of reasons but you will never, not ever, find a person who works just because they love it.  Because then it isn't called work anymore its called living. 

Because of the fact that my brain doesn't produce the amount of chemicals it's meant to and the fact that it has an extra wavy line on a scan that is less common then common, I don't 'do' stress.  I have had complete meltdowns in the past and I have learnt through experience and through reading as much information as I can, how to deal with the way my mind works.

The basics are that I need to make sure that at least every three days I get a chunk of sleep that is a minimum of six hours.  I need to stop and breath when people rush at me with information.  I need to say no nicely to people when I want to and say yes to myself more often when I don't want to.  I need to eat at least one good meal every two days.  I need to spend a lot of time focusing on the beauty in the things around me which means (for me) going fishing a lot or going on trips in the country with my camera. but essentially avoiding stress is the biggest thing.

Unfortunately comitting to do the same thing day after day on someone else's terms to someone elses rules to increase someone elses bulge in their wallet causes me stress just thinking about it.  In truth its not because I can't work but because I work too well.  When I am working at something it gets all of me.  I am an all or nothing type of person.  When I was vet nursing I was doing 16 hour days with no breaks frequently because it was my life.  It also damn near killed me eventually.  The breakdown that came with that was the biggest ever since it coincided with the falling apart of what I thought to be a fabulous relationship.

So I made this video, playing around.  and that's when it hit me.  The reason I'm here.  If I can make at least one person a day smile then that's payment enough. I have been inundated by text messages and emails, I'm really quite blown away.  One person wrote...

I am ptss,  i have been suffering for the past two years with chronic depression. ( clinical depression is the proper term i think)   You give me hope darlin and i thank you for that <smile>  be well and brightest blessings to you.

and in those few lines outlined exactly what somehow I knew to be my life purpose.  The feeling was like coming home after a holiday.  It was fun being away but theres nothing quite like your own bed.  That warm welcoming feeling.  Its hard to describe.

Recently I posted about wanting to run up to strangers and say " welcome" somehow I feel like I have just done that to myself.  What a fabulous feeling it is to be a purposeful creator in the vortex of manifestation.  I am LOVING life.

I had a doctor once tell me that if one day I walked into his office wearing makeup with nice shoes on he would know I am OK.... I thought he was the most antiquated old fool in the world back then, yet when I look at myself in the mirror tonight, I'm thinking, maybe theres something in that after all.....