Surprisingly I am not shaking. I do have a slight headache but I'm quite convinced that is caused by my brain trying to understand exactly what is happening in the inner regions of my liver.
I supposed 'depickling' is a rather strange process. I can tell you for sure that it is not nearly, not even remotely or ever so slightly close to, the pickling process.
So I woke up this morning before I went to bed, and decided to throw myself into this for a few days at least. How hard can it be?
HARD is the answer, naturally. A small part of my brain (that's lies a rather large part of it really) has only ever associated the wii with things like 'sim animals' and 'bass fishing'
I had no idea that after 40 minutes of wii fit I would be at the point of collapse. After all, I had to beat mum scores!! Of course I blame the lack of sleep and the pneumonia and not remotely the fact that I could actually be unfit.
According to my new personal trainer (the one on the TV screen who has no spine to feel breaking when she yells at me 'hello are you there? those muscles wont train themselves you know!" yes wiiwoman, but if I could just explain about floating discs and WHY my hands came off the balance board when you were telling me to stand on one arm and wave the other while holding all my (which though according to you has dropped is still rather heavy) amount of body weight.....) I have dropped apparently 2.2kg in 8 days.
Although according to the same process I also dropped .4kg during my training session so unless my head really did explode and I just haven't noticed it yet... I don't think its entirely accurate somehow. I mean I did take my gloves and my beanie off but I don't know if its possible for them to weigh that much. Nor do I think its possible to have lost 2.2kg in 8 days but gee it felt nice to be told that!
However. Day two of the detox has gone by and I am still alive. I am also hoping that with the added incentive of exercise perhaps I will find this place people call 'tired' and make the most of it. Although I did get a five hour block this morning therefore a good night tonight should mean I'm up to date again with my sleep.
Jesus, could it be possible? Up to date with my sleep, exercising, drinking water, eating right..... This whole leap into a higher vibration is a fabulous thing really, and whilst there has not been comment on One Source Energy lately, there is reason. A project is being thrust into creation as we speak... well not quiet as we speak, all that's being thrust into creation right now is a random thought about winning $5000's in a competition. I haven't yet, but I'm going to. Its drawn the day before my birthday (which is in a minute hence the conniptions about getting healthy I think) and I can enter it only because I bought the things to get healthy in the first place. Perfect fit. Universe that $5000 is mine and already been spent.
NEW YORK NEW YORK.
ahhhh what an odd feeling it is to be hydrated.
Why I fish
S. L. Gordon Photogography
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Sheet VS Diet
I went out for new sheets today. Its getting freezing once again and once again I feel that familiar feeling that is generally accompanied by me being struck firmly in the centre of my chest with the baseball bat that is pnemonia.
Rather than allow anual past history to repeat, this year I decided to put to a stop to it.
I had to go to the doctors to pick up a referrel letter for the dermatologist to fix these BLOODY allergies, and on the way there I thought to myself, 'I wonder when the appointment I cancelled was for, perhaps I should rebook it and just grab some antibiotics now before I give anything a chance to kick in.' thinking it was in the afternoon the next day originally.
I walked into the surgery and the receptionist said 'Just take a seat Sarah he wont be long.'
I cocked my head rather like a dog does upon hearing the sound of a plastic bag opening and I said "HUH? do I have an appointment?" to which she... flushing with embarassment that she couldve gotten me mixed up with someone else, which really would be quite unlikely considering I have been vissting rather a lot lately since feeling the need to tear ones skin off isnt all that pleasant to live with... said "um yes, in ten minutes.""
Turned out my original appointment had never been cancelled and I just happened to walk in at the right time. One look down my throat and a quick glance at the fact that the scales on my arms have turned to open wounds covering my entire body (I could get a lot more graphic there Ill have you note. because no matter how bad it sounds the expierance is worse!) and out I go with antibiotics and yet another 'you better come back and see me in a week' Him and I are almost friends, I could tell you the names of his shitsu cross and his tibetin spaniels... but not his kids.
So with a stern warning about how likely it is that its already pnemonia and to look after myself blah blah blah, I decided that I had better get more equipped for winters in the shed. New flannelette sheets, thats all I wanted.
Now naturally I was thinking of a few other things as well, gloves for example and ugg boot type things. But sheets were my priority,
I came home with a diet and no sheets.
How does that happen?
I am now on a shake in the morning and a revolting chocolate bar that expands in your stomach at lunch and....
but wait theres more...
I have stopped drinking.
wait while I pick myself up off the floor after saying that outloud.
good clean spiritual living apparantly goes hand in hand with being healthy, Im glad I already quit smoking! I am also glad that I can settle for good dirty spirutal living because theres no way im not going to drink for the rest of my life!
Im not sure how I will go but Im prepared to try it and see.
no, not really Im still on the floor.
Its not like I havent done alcohol free days before, its just that usually thats been because I have been suffering from a horrendous hangover.
I dont know what this shift is exactly that has caused all of the lights to flick on in my life but I am not complaining! oh I think I worked out how to do......
that as well. (Cause that was just so hard really wasnt it.) righto, my 40 minutes on the wii fit is about to start. LOL cause starting this with pnemonia is so the BEST plan EVER.
At some point I shall hit up Atheekial for some positive thinking and self healing but for now... a warm blankie and bed is what I need. 40 minutes on the wii indeed, what a joke.
Rather than allow anual past history to repeat, this year I decided to put to a stop to it.
I had to go to the doctors to pick up a referrel letter for the dermatologist to fix these BLOODY allergies, and on the way there I thought to myself, 'I wonder when the appointment I cancelled was for, perhaps I should rebook it and just grab some antibiotics now before I give anything a chance to kick in.' thinking it was in the afternoon the next day originally.
I walked into the surgery and the receptionist said 'Just take a seat Sarah he wont be long.'
I cocked my head rather like a dog does upon hearing the sound of a plastic bag opening and I said "HUH? do I have an appointment?" to which she... flushing with embarassment that she couldve gotten me mixed up with someone else, which really would be quite unlikely considering I have been vissting rather a lot lately since feeling the need to tear ones skin off isnt all that pleasant to live with... said "um yes, in ten minutes.""
Turned out my original appointment had never been cancelled and I just happened to walk in at the right time. One look down my throat and a quick glance at the fact that the scales on my arms have turned to open wounds covering my entire body (I could get a lot more graphic there Ill have you note. because no matter how bad it sounds the expierance is worse!) and out I go with antibiotics and yet another 'you better come back and see me in a week' Him and I are almost friends, I could tell you the names of his shitsu cross and his tibetin spaniels... but not his kids.
So with a stern warning about how likely it is that its already pnemonia and to look after myself blah blah blah, I decided that I had better get more equipped for winters in the shed. New flannelette sheets, thats all I wanted.
Now naturally I was thinking of a few other things as well, gloves for example and ugg boot type things. But sheets were my priority,
I came home with a diet and no sheets.
How does that happen?
I am now on a shake in the morning and a revolting chocolate bar that expands in your stomach at lunch and....
but wait theres more...
I have stopped drinking.
wait while I pick myself up off the floor after saying that outloud.
good clean spiritual living apparantly goes hand in hand with being healthy, Im glad I already quit smoking! I am also glad that I can settle for good dirty spirutal living because theres no way im not going to drink for the rest of my life!
Im not sure how I will go but Im prepared to try it and see.
no, not really Im still on the floor.
Its not like I havent done alcohol free days before, its just that usually thats been because I have been suffering from a horrendous hangover.
I dont know what this shift is exactly that has caused all of the lights to flick on in my life but I am not complaining! oh I think I worked out how to do......
that as well. (Cause that was just so hard really wasnt it.) righto, my 40 minutes on the wii fit is about to start. LOL cause starting this with pnemonia is so the BEST plan EVER.
At some point I shall hit up Atheekial for some positive thinking and self healing but for now... a warm blankie and bed is what I need. 40 minutes on the wii indeed, what a joke.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Kicking into Creation
Well Ive done it.
found my purpose I mean.
of course I could just be manic.... but I don't think so, Ive checked that.
I was playing really, when I started to make a video. I wasn't setting out to find the answer to all the questions Ive been asking lately. But somehow that's what happened.
Admittedly it helped that I liked the web cam functions for taking still shots and add to that my new found respect for what I actually can look like given the slightest amount of attention to myself. (like actually using some of the techniques I was taught at beauty school) oh yes... me... beauty school. I was taught by the best of the best how to apply make up, how to give facials, how to pluck eyebrows... that's probably why I avoid all of the above like the plague.
Recently however I started realising that although I don't actually give a shit what people think of me and I don't encourage people judging books by their covers in the slightest.... it actually makes ME feel a bit nicer having applied a small amount of eyeliner and lippy. It always used to be such a statement in the lesbian world.
"are you a lipstick, butch, boi, gurl, in, out, bi, trans, sporty" the list truly does go on.
I always found it hard enough to identify as 'Lesbian' personally. It always seemed like just another label and to be honest I've always maintained that I don't fall in love with someone because of whats between their legs, its a soul thing as far as I'm concerned.
In saying that if you stood a naked man and woman in front of me you can guarantee I would hardly look at the man, but I'm quite sure even straight women must feel like that. I mean a penis just isn't attractive is it. where as breast are comforting to anyone subconsciously I'm sure. Naturally I could be wrong, but if I am that just makes me a lesbian which I pretty much already knew.
For a few weeks, in my life, the pressure and eminent threat of change has been building. I have been sat wracking my brains trying to think of business ideas, career paths I could pick, All sorts of things and suddenly, while playing, it came to me.
I preach and I preach about being who you came here to be, about walking your path, living your life the way you want to live it, ultimately being happy. No-one really reads what I write though since I have a tendency to ramble, well that and a general laziness on my part when it comes to actually doing anything with anything I write.
Its a bit hard to play the "hard done by unpublished writer" role if you don't actually even try to get anything published. HOWEVER.... One of the key things that I have learnt in life is that you don't do something expecting something in return.
Therefore its never been a surprise to me how many people are unhappy at work. People work for money. People work for for all sorts of reasons but you will never, not ever, find a person who works just because they love it. Because then it isn't called work anymore its called living.
Because of the fact that my brain doesn't produce the amount of chemicals it's meant to and the fact that it has an extra wavy line on a scan that is less common then common, I don't 'do' stress. I have had complete meltdowns in the past and I have learnt through experience and through reading as much information as I can, how to deal with the way my mind works.
The basics are that I need to make sure that at least every three days I get a chunk of sleep that is a minimum of six hours. I need to stop and breath when people rush at me with information. I need to say no nicely to people when I want to and say yes to myself more often when I don't want to. I need to eat at least one good meal every two days. I need to spend a lot of time focusing on the beauty in the things around me which means (for me) going fishing a lot or going on trips in the country with my camera. but essentially avoiding stress is the biggest thing.
Unfortunately comitting to do the same thing day after day on someone else's terms to someone elses rules to increase someone elses bulge in their wallet causes me stress just thinking about it. In truth its not because I can't work but because I work too well. When I am working at something it gets all of me. I am an all or nothing type of person. When I was vet nursing I was doing 16 hour days with no breaks frequently because it was my life. It also damn near killed me eventually. The breakdown that came with that was the biggest ever since it coincided with the falling apart of what I thought to be a fabulous relationship.
So I made this video, playing around. and that's when it hit me. The reason I'm here. If I can make at least one person a day smile then that's payment enough. I have been inundated by text messages and emails, I'm really quite blown away. One person wrote...
I am ptss, i have been suffering for the past two years with chronic depression. ( clinical depression is the proper term i think) You give me hope darlin and i thank you for that <smile> be well and brightest blessings to you.
and in those few lines outlined exactly what somehow I knew to be my life purpose. The feeling was like coming home after a holiday. It was fun being away but theres nothing quite like your own bed. That warm welcoming feeling. Its hard to describe.
Recently I posted about wanting to run up to strangers and say " welcome" somehow I feel like I have just done that to myself. What a fabulous feeling it is to be a purposeful creator in the vortex of manifestation. I am LOVING life.
I had a doctor once tell me that if one day I walked into his office wearing makeup with nice shoes on he would know I am OK.... I thought he was the most antiquated old fool in the world back then, yet when I look at myself in the mirror tonight, I'm thinking, maybe theres something in that after all.....
found my purpose I mean.
of course I could just be manic.... but I don't think so, Ive checked that.
I was playing really, when I started to make a video. I wasn't setting out to find the answer to all the questions Ive been asking lately. But somehow that's what happened.
Admittedly it helped that I liked the web cam functions for taking still shots and add to that my new found respect for what I actually can look like given the slightest amount of attention to myself. (like actually using some of the techniques I was taught at beauty school) oh yes... me... beauty school. I was taught by the best of the best how to apply make up, how to give facials, how to pluck eyebrows... that's probably why I avoid all of the above like the plague.
Recently however I started realising that although I don't actually give a shit what people think of me and I don't encourage people judging books by their covers in the slightest.... it actually makes ME feel a bit nicer having applied a small amount of eyeliner and lippy. It always used to be such a statement in the lesbian world.
"are you a lipstick, butch, boi, gurl, in, out, bi, trans, sporty" the list truly does go on.
I always found it hard enough to identify as 'Lesbian' personally. It always seemed like just another label and to be honest I've always maintained that I don't fall in love with someone because of whats between their legs, its a soul thing as far as I'm concerned.
In saying that if you stood a naked man and woman in front of me you can guarantee I would hardly look at the man, but I'm quite sure even straight women must feel like that. I mean a penis just isn't attractive is it. where as breast are comforting to anyone subconsciously I'm sure. Naturally I could be wrong, but if I am that just makes me a lesbian which I pretty much already knew.
For a few weeks, in my life, the pressure and eminent threat of change has been building. I have been sat wracking my brains trying to think of business ideas, career paths I could pick, All sorts of things and suddenly, while playing, it came to me.
I preach and I preach about being who you came here to be, about walking your path, living your life the way you want to live it, ultimately being happy. No-one really reads what I write though since I have a tendency to ramble, well that and a general laziness on my part when it comes to actually doing anything with anything I write.
Its a bit hard to play the "hard done by unpublished writer" role if you don't actually even try to get anything published. HOWEVER.... One of the key things that I have learnt in life is that you don't do something expecting something in return.
Therefore its never been a surprise to me how many people are unhappy at work. People work for money. People work for for all sorts of reasons but you will never, not ever, find a person who works just because they love it. Because then it isn't called work anymore its called living.
Because of the fact that my brain doesn't produce the amount of chemicals it's meant to and the fact that it has an extra wavy line on a scan that is less common then common, I don't 'do' stress. I have had complete meltdowns in the past and I have learnt through experience and through reading as much information as I can, how to deal with the way my mind works.
The basics are that I need to make sure that at least every three days I get a chunk of sleep that is a minimum of six hours. I need to stop and breath when people rush at me with information. I need to say no nicely to people when I want to and say yes to myself more often when I don't want to. I need to eat at least one good meal every two days. I need to spend a lot of time focusing on the beauty in the things around me which means (for me) going fishing a lot or going on trips in the country with my camera. but essentially avoiding stress is the biggest thing.
Unfortunately comitting to do the same thing day after day on someone else's terms to someone elses rules to increase someone elses bulge in their wallet causes me stress just thinking about it. In truth its not because I can't work but because I work too well. When I am working at something it gets all of me. I am an all or nothing type of person. When I was vet nursing I was doing 16 hour days with no breaks frequently because it was my life. It also damn near killed me eventually. The breakdown that came with that was the biggest ever since it coincided with the falling apart of what I thought to be a fabulous relationship.
So I made this video, playing around. and that's when it hit me. The reason I'm here. If I can make at least one person a day smile then that's payment enough. I have been inundated by text messages and emails, I'm really quite blown away. One person wrote...
I am ptss, i have been suffering for the past two years with chronic depression. ( clinical depression is the proper term i think) You give me hope darlin and i thank you for that <smile> be well and brightest blessings to you.
and in those few lines outlined exactly what somehow I knew to be my life purpose. The feeling was like coming home after a holiday. It was fun being away but theres nothing quite like your own bed. That warm welcoming feeling. Its hard to describe.
Recently I posted about wanting to run up to strangers and say " welcome" somehow I feel like I have just done that to myself. What a fabulous feeling it is to be a purposeful creator in the vortex of manifestation. I am LOVING life.
I had a doctor once tell me that if one day I walked into his office wearing makeup with nice shoes on he would know I am OK.... I thought he was the most antiquated old fool in the world back then, yet when I look at myself in the mirror tonight, I'm thinking, maybe theres something in that after all.....
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Thursday, 5 May 2011
ONE SOURCE ENERGY
Certainly I will continue my rant, you didn't think it likely I had stopped did you?
You know when we speak of one source of energy I sometimes wonder if people instantly start thinking in terms of electricity bills.
There is no easy way to deal with money. Little bits of paper. Typed numerals on a page. That is, in almost complete honesty, all that money represents to me.
Often I get a hard time for what I do, or what it appears I lack the need to do. Which indeed is true. I do lack the need. My need is to make life more enjoyable in any small ways that I can for other people. Not in a selfish or in a handing myself over type of way, I have been wrong in my approach throughout my lifetimes enough to know that I am reaching a pinnacle point of understanding.
I will no longer give my joy away. I will share it with those who wish to embrace it, I will dance with those who are also dancing. I will, in any way, shape or form possible, ensure that my loved ones are smiling. Though I now understand that I can not make them smile.
The thoughts that bounce within the confines of your head can only ever be amplified. If you are in a state of anger most of the time, anger will be amplified. If you are in a state of worry, worry will be amplified. I understand that many people would have already reacted strongly to these words. What we should be focusing on are happy thoughts amplifying more happy thoughts.
"That's easy for you to say" well actually yes. Yes it is. Not because I believe it to be an easy process but because I have come through the process myself. I sat tonight and watched what was in some respects a screen play of a life I have lived in this physical existence. I watched a young girl sobbing in the emergency ward as the nurse bandaged her wrist. I watched a woman doubled over holding her stomach whilst her eyes screamed for nothing more then a hit of morphine. And finally I saw myself now. Sitting with a much loved family member. Being a calm, responsible and to my utmost surprise, stable, person.
It was in some ways a shock. seeing those other lives I have lived. I watched that young girl and her best friend who was trying to keep her calm. I heard the doctors fighting over who would be lucky enough not to deal with her. In some ways I wanted to reach out and grab her by the shoulders and say, HONEY your all of about 23 years old, you have a lifetime of much worse pain, much more real emotion and intense lessons and I promise you, I PROMISE YOU that you have the power within yourself to stand up and amaze yourself at how good and how happy you can learn to be in the face of anything life throws at you.
Naturally had I attempted to say any of that I myself would have been committed given my mental history within the walls of that hospital, however.... This experience, that life time, and the other, the woman who was clearly just out for some morphine because she had run out of money for anything else, those lifetimes made me.
Literally. I am not kidding even in the slightest. If I had the choice to do my entire life over I would not change a single thing. Not one fraction of time. Because whilst, as we said before, some people do find it easy to say 'just be happy' the key is actually in understanding the incredible depths of being unhappy and in understanding that the difference between the two is simply - yes simply - a matter of thought form.
When you are down it is so easy to look around and see everything as being so very bad. Which in actual facts only leads for the opportunity for things to get worse. If, when you are down you make an effort to do things you enjoy, you discover - as is the law of attraction - that joy envelops you once more. en-joy. envelop joy. It is found in the smallest and most basic of things if it cant be found anywhere else.
I quite honestly remember at one point the only thing I was grateful for was my ability to go to the toilet. Not physically, I don't mean physically, I mean in going to the toilet I had a time out from the world however brief it may have been. And so from there I enveloped that small joy and enlarged that small joy by making the small enjoyment slightly bigger. To this day my toilet walls are a shrine of positive affirmations, poems, prayers, drawings. Essentially its just a small room you can close yourself away in for a moment and remind yourself of who you really are.
Occasionally I must remind myself how close I came to not being here today. Occasionally I will stop and take a moment to be thankful to myself for surviving. For finding the strength to continue when there was nothing left to continue with. Oh I know its not easy just to 'be happy' when you are unhappy. But its not impossible. and whats more the secret lies in the fact that it is only ever as hard as you make it. The more pressure you put on yourself to be happy the less happy you will be. sometimes you need to give yourself permission to NOT be happy in order to regain your happy.
Trust me, I know this to be true. at any given moment, the more you want something because you feel you should have it, the further away it gets. The more you give in and surrender to the flow the easier life becomes. The more you see yourself with the things that you wish to have the more you invite them into your life.
We are meant to ride this flow with these streamlined vessels that we have chosen. We can fight it, free will dictates that we can and we do, do exactly what we like when we like. But the more something angers, upsets, frustrates, depresses you the more you think about it, the more you think about it the more it angers upsets frustrates, depresses you, the more it angers, upsets, frustrates, depresses you the more you think about. Its a vicious cycle that can only be broken by locating your joy and enveloping it.
It could be as simple as working out that you enjoy eating a chicken roll every lunchtime. enhance, envelop enjoy it - more. Take smaller mouthfuls, FEEL how nice it is to enjoy something again. re- mind yourself of that feeling of joy, because I guarantee you that it has never actually left your mind, it has only ever been buried with that which you deemed more important than it. Nothing is more important that your joy.
Sometimes life is all about baby steps.
Right now, I am in love. I am finding it highly amusing and very very pleasant. I had actually long ago given up on the feeling of love. I had encased myself with strong walls and protected myself from every angle. Yet now I find the walls have simply blown away and I am bouncing through enjoying every moment of every day. I could clarify that what I am in love with in this exact moment is life. Who I am relishing the company of in this present minute is myself, yet I know without question that this feeling of having is bringing about the experience. Right now Ill happily laugh it off as being about my new computer.
Whatever the case, good things happening to me and my family. I know this to be true. Some perceive them as difficult times, I just see change. Change is a good thing.
You know when we speak of one source of energy I sometimes wonder if people instantly start thinking in terms of electricity bills.
There is no easy way to deal with money. Little bits of paper. Typed numerals on a page. That is, in almost complete honesty, all that money represents to me.
Often I get a hard time for what I do, or what it appears I lack the need to do. Which indeed is true. I do lack the need. My need is to make life more enjoyable in any small ways that I can for other people. Not in a selfish or in a handing myself over type of way, I have been wrong in my approach throughout my lifetimes enough to know that I am reaching a pinnacle point of understanding.
I will no longer give my joy away. I will share it with those who wish to embrace it, I will dance with those who are also dancing. I will, in any way, shape or form possible, ensure that my loved ones are smiling. Though I now understand that I can not make them smile.
The thoughts that bounce within the confines of your head can only ever be amplified. If you are in a state of anger most of the time, anger will be amplified. If you are in a state of worry, worry will be amplified. I understand that many people would have already reacted strongly to these words. What we should be focusing on are happy thoughts amplifying more happy thoughts.
"That's easy for you to say" well actually yes. Yes it is. Not because I believe it to be an easy process but because I have come through the process myself. I sat tonight and watched what was in some respects a screen play of a life I have lived in this physical existence. I watched a young girl sobbing in the emergency ward as the nurse bandaged her wrist. I watched a woman doubled over holding her stomach whilst her eyes screamed for nothing more then a hit of morphine. And finally I saw myself now. Sitting with a much loved family member. Being a calm, responsible and to my utmost surprise, stable, person.
It was in some ways a shock. seeing those other lives I have lived. I watched that young girl and her best friend who was trying to keep her calm. I heard the doctors fighting over who would be lucky enough not to deal with her. In some ways I wanted to reach out and grab her by the shoulders and say, HONEY your all of about 23 years old, you have a lifetime of much worse pain, much more real emotion and intense lessons and I promise you, I PROMISE YOU that you have the power within yourself to stand up and amaze yourself at how good and how happy you can learn to be in the face of anything life throws at you.
Naturally had I attempted to say any of that I myself would have been committed given my mental history within the walls of that hospital, however.... This experience, that life time, and the other, the woman who was clearly just out for some morphine because she had run out of money for anything else, those lifetimes made me.
Literally. I am not kidding even in the slightest. If I had the choice to do my entire life over I would not change a single thing. Not one fraction of time. Because whilst, as we said before, some people do find it easy to say 'just be happy' the key is actually in understanding the incredible depths of being unhappy and in understanding that the difference between the two is simply - yes simply - a matter of thought form.
When you are down it is so easy to look around and see everything as being so very bad. Which in actual facts only leads for the opportunity for things to get worse. If, when you are down you make an effort to do things you enjoy, you discover - as is the law of attraction - that joy envelops you once more. en-joy. envelop joy. It is found in the smallest and most basic of things if it cant be found anywhere else.
I quite honestly remember at one point the only thing I was grateful for was my ability to go to the toilet. Not physically, I don't mean physically, I mean in going to the toilet I had a time out from the world however brief it may have been. And so from there I enveloped that small joy and enlarged that small joy by making the small enjoyment slightly bigger. To this day my toilet walls are a shrine of positive affirmations, poems, prayers, drawings. Essentially its just a small room you can close yourself away in for a moment and remind yourself of who you really are.
Occasionally I must remind myself how close I came to not being here today. Occasionally I will stop and take a moment to be thankful to myself for surviving. For finding the strength to continue when there was nothing left to continue with. Oh I know its not easy just to 'be happy' when you are unhappy. But its not impossible. and whats more the secret lies in the fact that it is only ever as hard as you make it. The more pressure you put on yourself to be happy the less happy you will be. sometimes you need to give yourself permission to NOT be happy in order to regain your happy.
Trust me, I know this to be true. at any given moment, the more you want something because you feel you should have it, the further away it gets. The more you give in and surrender to the flow the easier life becomes. The more you see yourself with the things that you wish to have the more you invite them into your life.
We are meant to ride this flow with these streamlined vessels that we have chosen. We can fight it, free will dictates that we can and we do, do exactly what we like when we like. But the more something angers, upsets, frustrates, depresses you the more you think about it, the more you think about it the more it angers upsets frustrates, depresses you, the more it angers, upsets, frustrates, depresses you the more you think about. Its a vicious cycle that can only be broken by locating your joy and enveloping it.
It could be as simple as working out that you enjoy eating a chicken roll every lunchtime. enhance, envelop enjoy it - more. Take smaller mouthfuls, FEEL how nice it is to enjoy something again. re- mind yourself of that feeling of joy, because I guarantee you that it has never actually left your mind, it has only ever been buried with that which you deemed more important than it. Nothing is more important that your joy.
Sometimes life is all about baby steps.
Right now, I am in love. I am finding it highly amusing and very very pleasant. I had actually long ago given up on the feeling of love. I had encased myself with strong walls and protected myself from every angle. Yet now I find the walls have simply blown away and I am bouncing through enjoying every moment of every day. I could clarify that what I am in love with in this exact moment is life. Who I am relishing the company of in this present minute is myself, yet I know without question that this feeling of having is bringing about the experience. Right now Ill happily laugh it off as being about my new computer.
Whatever the case, good things happening to me and my family. I know this to be true. Some perceive them as difficult times, I just see change. Change is a good thing.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
"In his moment of congratulating himself his foot caught under a tree root and he fell flat on his face."
Naturally it stands to reason that the first thing I would write on my brand new flashy computer - which, I will add, I paid a small fortune extra for to have a 'good to go' service done on it - would be written in 'notepad'.
I did - FINALLY - upgrade my 'word 03' to 'word 10' which - upon my usual awakening moments of thinking 'I must write that down because its vitally important and could change the world' - was something that gave me an added buzz of excitement over this whole new computer deal.
I - being myself - find utmost joy in the smallest things really and yet here I find myself on the best computer I have had thus far, thinking : Why am I not using my brand new word 10? After all - the small voice in my head taunts me - I got 'good to go'
Apparently "good to go" means that whilst they will remove demo programs I don't need and install programs I do need, they will also omit the small part of the proceedings that would suggest that actually opening the program and running it to ensure it works would be a good idea.
Now I do realise this is nothing major. The words 'please enter your valid product key' are not so very serious when you do actually have a valid product key - unlike the version of word 07 that my laptop has been tormenting me with for the past two years - my point was that its not very 'good to go' is it?
Without tethering my new 'good to go' PC to my Iphone for Internet access - which I am still insanely impressed that I know how to do - I could'nt even play a game on it thanks to instant upgrades needed to 'direct x' - whatever that actually is.
Now I'm not complaining about the actual physical service received here by any stretch of the imagination because - without a word of a lie - we are going to write to the company and praise the three young guys it took to put up with me and agree to my demands. Ideally the letter praising them wont actually end in them getting in trouble as I am really quite sure they are still wondering how on earth I got quite so much money off in the first place.
However, as seems to be the case with everything these days, nothing is as simple as it sounds.
I think the worlds greatest lie at the moment, one that even I am culpable of using, is "Yes, I have read the terms and conditions."
Are you SERIOUS?
153 pages of 'under act 3.5 of the most mundane and boring law every to be conceived it states in paragraph three in lower case and the occasional capitol letter that you, the reader, therein, the person whose eyes may or may not be connected to the brain reading this incredibly informative statement, may, depending on section 6.8 of the above mentioned document or may not, should section 14.3, paragraph eight occur, be asked for your email address'.
Hmm, let me think, read every word of 153 pages of THAT or simply tick the box that said I read it? No brainer. Tick the box, someone must have read it lately, it cant say anything to bad otherwise people would have sued them or done something equally as brilliant.
Then again, perhaps we all simply tick a box that says we read it whilst secretly agreeing to give all our worldly possessions to the person that wrote it. I must say even I would be slightly tempted to put a small clause like "In case of the writer of these terms and conditions seeing on her bank statement a balance of less then $50 you shall instantly forward her $10"
Hey I'm not greedy, the amount of people that wouldn't actually read the terms and conditions on something like 'word' and instantly agree to that, would mean that Id be a millionaire in two weeks and be done with it.
I must, in closing, explain the title of this blog. It would be entirely out of character for me not to be sentimental in the writing of the first 'Blah' on this computer, therefore, Tertof, lost in his magical wanderings - and due to the fact that he has just turned twelve years old and is my most talked about - yet still unknown - 'adventurer'. I feel he earned a right to be mentioned.
Well that and the fact that I woke up with that line out of my book in my head anyway.
I did - FINALLY - upgrade my 'word 03' to 'word 10' which - upon my usual awakening moments of thinking 'I must write that down because its vitally important and could change the world' - was something that gave me an added buzz of excitement over this whole new computer deal.
I - being myself - find utmost joy in the smallest things really and yet here I find myself on the best computer I have had thus far, thinking : Why am I not using my brand new word 10? After all - the small voice in my head taunts me - I got 'good to go'
Apparently "good to go" means that whilst they will remove demo programs I don't need and install programs I do need, they will also omit the small part of the proceedings that would suggest that actually opening the program and running it to ensure it works would be a good idea.
Now I do realise this is nothing major. The words 'please enter your valid product key' are not so very serious when you do actually have a valid product key - unlike the version of word 07 that my laptop has been tormenting me with for the past two years - my point was that its not very 'good to go' is it?
Without tethering my new 'good to go' PC to my Iphone for Internet access - which I am still insanely impressed that I know how to do - I could'nt even play a game on it thanks to instant upgrades needed to 'direct x' - whatever that actually is.
Now I'm not complaining about the actual physical service received here by any stretch of the imagination because - without a word of a lie - we are going to write to the company and praise the three young guys it took to put up with me and agree to my demands. Ideally the letter praising them wont actually end in them getting in trouble as I am really quite sure they are still wondering how on earth I got quite so much money off in the first place.
However, as seems to be the case with everything these days, nothing is as simple as it sounds.
I think the worlds greatest lie at the moment, one that even I am culpable of using, is "Yes, I have read the terms and conditions."
Are you SERIOUS?
153 pages of 'under act 3.5 of the most mundane and boring law every to be conceived it states in paragraph three in lower case and the occasional capitol letter that you, the reader, therein, the person whose eyes may or may not be connected to the brain reading this incredibly informative statement, may, depending on section 6.8 of the above mentioned document or may not, should section 14.3, paragraph eight occur, be asked for your email address'.
Hmm, let me think, read every word of 153 pages of THAT or simply tick the box that said I read it? No brainer. Tick the box, someone must have read it lately, it cant say anything to bad otherwise people would have sued them or done something equally as brilliant.
Then again, perhaps we all simply tick a box that says we read it whilst secretly agreeing to give all our worldly possessions to the person that wrote it. I must say even I would be slightly tempted to put a small clause like "In case of the writer of these terms and conditions seeing on her bank statement a balance of less then $50 you shall instantly forward her $10"
Hey I'm not greedy, the amount of people that wouldn't actually read the terms and conditions on something like 'word' and instantly agree to that, would mean that Id be a millionaire in two weeks and be done with it.
I must, in closing, explain the title of this blog. It would be entirely out of character for me not to be sentimental in the writing of the first 'Blah' on this computer, therefore, Tertof, lost in his magical wanderings - and due to the fact that he has just turned twelve years old and is my most talked about - yet still unknown - 'adventurer'. I feel he earned a right to be mentioned.
Well that and the fact that I woke up with that line out of my book in my head anyway.
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