yeah ok its been awhile....

I was explaining tonight the joy of mania.  Not that joy is perhaps the right word to use if your talking to someone who has no control and is seriously all over the place spending every cent they have on stupid things when they have bills to pay.... oh wait. 
No really. I have learnt my triggers, I have taught myself how to see it, call it and stop it.  That could mean Valium, or generally it just means accepting the fact that I'm human.  My brain works differently.  A legend of a man and an inspiration to me, Mr Stephen Fry... asked a group of bi-polar people if they could, would they change the way they work and have a so called 'normal' brain.  Every single person said they wouldn't choose to be any different and neither would I. 
I don't expect anyone to deal with me and my eccentricity.  Though in saying that I also believe that if someone could they would be fucking lucky to have me.  See I don't hate myself, I don't even frown at  my occasional inability to pick a melt down coming.  I think I'm gifted.  some would call it delusions of grandeur... I just call it the ability to appear sane when I need to and to fall off the planet when I need to.  Escapism perhaps? who knows.  Subconsciously if you look at life from a spiritual angle then the only difference between my brain and anyone Else's is the chemicals that it produces and the waves that it makes.  Labelling that however is an entirely different thing.  Apparently my most obvious label is schizoaffective disorder... an interesting term that they come about because they cannot explain the fact that I have an ability to loose it in such a way that I see spiders crawling on walls and can quite honestly be completely convinced that I am about to die... in saying that its been an awfully long time since Ive been through an episode to that degree.  Mainly these days I just get frustrated. 
and really, when it comes to frustration in this world... who doesn't? Sometimes its hard to remind myself that the stress I am feeling is real stress.  That its OK for me to be not coping very well, that it isn't actually the fact that my brain doesn't function very well, it really is real life stuff that - as my fabulous GP explained - would make a sane person insane. 
Id love to say theres a secret to how I have learnt to control my mind.  But truly its been a fucking hard road of huge mistakes, heartache, loss and stupidity.  In the end it came down to a choice.
I could spend the rest of my life ignorant, medicating myself and alienating myself from society - which to be fair I still do to a degree but only because society is so damn full of judgements and dramas and dishonesty. - or I could take responsibility for myself.  Which ultimately meant a shitload of research - like.... a SHIT LOAD of research. The brain is funny thing.  When I discovered that we dont use a whole hell of a lot of it I decided I would stop using the bits that dont work and start using the bits i dont use... ok ok I know how stupid that sounds... but really... if we have a left side and a right... the right side is fucked... lets unwire that side and wire up the side that works... this is where my mental illness comes into play because it allows me to believe this is possible.  I went out and I learnt Reiki healing, I learnt Theta healing, I learnt how to communicate with guides and ultimately I learnt how to be in contact with my higher self - the one that isnt so screwed up.  I learnt that anything is possible.  If a person can cure cancer with their thoughts I could sure as hell control my brain. 
My main issue was always depression, I could never get myself out of depression.  Its like a black hole that sucks you in and leaves you like a rotten carcass being picked apart by cockroaches.  There is no feeling in the world like wishing you could just will yourself to stop breathing for long enough to die.
Sure, Ive been there.  its been a long time but it doesnt take much to remember how desolate and soul destroying that feeling is.  Im not sure exactly what it was that clicked with me but I do know it started with the understanding that unless I saw the darkness Id never know the light.  and it grew from there.  I started to understand the really the deeper into the darkness I had ventured the more into the light I could walk.  It might sound silly I guess but thats how I started.  At my lowest points I would remind myself that as low as it got at some point the light would equal the darkness so if I felt really really bad I knew at some point I would feel really really good.  At first it wasnt about balance, it was about staying alive.
I wrote things all over my walls, affirmations, prayers, things that reminded me to remember what it was like to have faith in myself.
Slowly the dark times got less, and I was able to start trying to work out what triggered them in the first place.  This was the hardest part I think, because naturally it varies.  I had a knack of attracting people into my life who only fueled my poor self image and aided me in my quest to feel useless.  They were the first to go.  I then realised that an awful lot of the time I said yes to things I wanted to say no to because i didnt want to hurt anyones feelings.  I think we all do that to some degree - or, well, I still still do it to some degree anyway.  but Nowdays I will say no if its to much for me.  I also used to cave hugely to peer pressure.  Id take drugs because everyone else was.  only for me.... mmmm not such a great idea.  enter paranoia.  It wasnt actually until I was on a certain medication years ago that stopped paranoia that I discovered the extent that I lived with and the pointlessness of it.  I had to teach myself not to care what people thought of me.  I had to learn to love myself.  I think for years I spouted off saying I loved myself... but I didnt.  Id secretly look in the mirror and think... im not surprised Im single... awwww see I can give myself a hug now because I care about me enough to know how silly that was, and yet I understand the feeling so well that I could never deny it was a huge part of my life. 
I look in the mirror now, and most times times I think... yep, Id do me. 
Its not vanity that says that to myself, its respect.  Its saying to myself that although I think differently it doesnt make me less of a person, in my mind it makes me more of a person.  I dont know to many other people who can keep an eye on situations and know exactly when to walk away and when to play. 
Im quite convinced that someday someone will walk into my life and see me for who I am and understand that to try to change me would be to break me.  To confine me would kill me.  To tell me what to do would enrage me.  To pity me amuse me.
I am not broken.  I am not sick.  I am me.  I get down. when I get down I make myself happy.  I get manic.  (enjoy it, cause I do) I dont let it stay for long... but mania can be fun and full of creativity if its channeled in the right direction.
So when people ask me how I do it, how I stay medication free and live with the labels I live with, I can say... because I learnt how to be as me as I can possibly be.  I will always be completely honest and open about how and what Im feeling.  Sure its gotten me in trouble in the past, but someone wise once told me... if people dont like my truth they dont need to hear it.  I dont tell stories, I dont play games.  all of those things only serve to corrupt your mind.  I have to keep my mind as pure as possible and whilst sometimes thats easier said then done.... Im still walking forward, and right now im even carrying other people forward at the same time.... not "carrying" but encouraging, because another thing Ive learnt is that you cannot change or help other people.  You can only encourage.  Thats all you can do, the rest is none of your business. what they think of you, what they think of themselves, you cant change any of that... you can encourage.  Thats all.  and you cant even do that if your not keeping yourself in a good place.  fuck thats hard sometimes.  but when its hard is when you concentrate on encouraging just yourself.  your energy goes into you because you are THE most important thing in your world.  Believing that is equally as important.  Mothers will say... no no my children come first... your children arent going to thank you for having to scrounge in the kitchen for cookies for dinner because Mum's crying in the shower again. You come first.  always.  you cant do anything for anyone else if your not good yourself. 
Dont worry be happy.... LMFAO yeah I know... truely, I know... what a stupid saying when your as low as low can be... and yet.... if for a moment you could switch off the darkness, if for just a breif moment you had a switch in your head that you could flick a light on and breathe freely for a minute... imagine how fabulous that would be.... its there you know.  there is a switch.  and once you find it you will never loose it.  The secret is in understanding that the switch is flicked by the briefest acceptance that everything is ok, its ok to be upset, its ok to be sick, its ok.  we are souls in a physical vessel, the physical vessel has physical issues.  your soul has the switch.  in those moments when you dont want to see anyone, when the phone rings and you flick it over so you cant even see whose calling, when you wince at the sound of your own name because all you want to do is hide away.  In those moments, remember the switch.  dont go off all half cocked and get pissed off and even more depressed because you cant find it... it isnt that hard... and you dont have to look.  you just have to believe.

Day Two

Surprisingly I am not shaking.  I do have a slight headache but I'm quite convinced that is caused by my brain trying to understand exactly what is happening in the inner regions of my liver.
I supposed 'depickling' is a rather strange process.  I can tell you for sure that it is not nearly, not even remotely or ever so slightly close to, the pickling process.

So I woke up this morning before I went to bed, and decided to throw myself into this for a few days at least.  How hard can it be?

HARD is the answer, naturally.  A small part of my brain (that's lies a rather large part of it really) has only ever associated the wii with things like 'sim animals' and 'bass fishing'

I had no idea that after 40 minutes of wii fit I would be at the point of collapse.  After all, I had to beat mum scores!! Of course I blame the lack of sleep and the pneumonia and not remotely the fact that I could actually be unfit.

According to my new personal trainer (the one on the TV screen who has no spine to feel breaking when she yells at me 'hello are you there? those muscles wont train themselves you know!" yes wiiwoman, but if I could just explain about floating discs and WHY my hands came off the balance board when you were telling me to stand on one arm and wave the other while holding all my (which though according to you has dropped is still rather heavy) amount of body weight.....) I have dropped  apparently  2.2kg in 8 days. 

Although according to the same process I also dropped .4kg during my training session so unless my head really did explode and I just haven't noticed it yet... I don't think its entirely accurate somehow.  I mean I did take my gloves and my beanie off but I don't know if its possible for them to weigh that much.  Nor do I think its possible to have lost 2.2kg in 8 days but gee it felt nice to be told that!

However. Day two of the detox has gone by and I am still alive.  I am also hoping that with the added incentive of exercise perhaps I will find this place people call 'tired' and make the most of it.  Although I did get a five hour block this morning therefore a good night tonight should mean I'm up to date again with my sleep.

Jesus, could it be possible? Up to date with my sleep, exercising, drinking water, eating right..... This whole leap into a higher vibration is a fabulous thing really, and whilst there has not been comment on One Source Energy lately, there is reason.  A project is being thrust into creation as we speak... well not quiet as we speak, all that's being thrust into creation right now is a random thought about winning $5000's in a competition.  I haven't yet, but I'm going to.  Its drawn the day before my birthday (which is in a minute hence the conniptions about getting healthy I think) and I can enter it only because I bought the things to get healthy in the first place.  Perfect fit.  Universe that $5000 is mine and already been spent.

NEW YORK NEW YORK.

ahhhh what an odd feeling it is to be hydrated.

Sheet VS Diet

I went out for new sheets today.  Its getting freezing once again and once again I feel that familiar feeling that is generally accompanied by me being struck firmly in the centre of my chest with the baseball bat that is pnemonia. 

Rather than allow anual past history to repeat, this year I decided to put to a stop to it. 

I had to go to the doctors to pick up a referrel letter for the dermatologist to fix these BLOODY allergies, and on the way there I thought to myself, 'I wonder when the appointment I cancelled was for, perhaps I should rebook it and just grab some antibiotics now before I give anything a chance to kick in.' thinking it was in the afternoon the next day originally.

I walked into the surgery and the receptionist said 'Just take a seat Sarah he wont be long.'

I cocked my head rather like a dog does upon hearing the sound of a plastic bag opening and I said "HUH? do I have an appointment?" to which she... flushing with embarassment that she couldve gotten me mixed up with someone else, which really would be quite unlikely considering I have been vissting rather a lot lately since feeling the need to tear ones skin off isnt all that pleasant to live with... said "um yes, in ten minutes.""

Turned out my original appointment had never been cancelled and I just happened to walk in at the right time.  One look down my throat and a quick glance at the fact that the scales on my arms have turned to open wounds covering my entire body (I could get a lot more graphic there Ill have you note. because no matter how bad it sounds the expierance is worse!) and out I go with antibiotics and yet another 'you better come back and see me in a week' Him and I are almost friends, I could tell you the names of his shitsu cross and his tibetin spaniels... but not his kids.

So with a stern warning about how likely it is that its already pnemonia and to look after myself blah blah blah, I decided that I had better get more equipped for winters in the shed.  New flannelette sheets, thats all I wanted. 

Now naturally I was thinking of a few other things as well, gloves for example and ugg boot type things.  But sheets were my priority,

I came home with a diet and no sheets.

How does that happen?

I am now on a shake in the morning and a revolting chocolate bar that expands in your stomach at lunch and....

but wait theres more...

I have stopped drinking.

wait while I pick myself up off the floor after saying that outloud.

good clean spiritual living apparantly goes hand in hand with being healthy, Im glad I already quit smoking! I am also glad that I can settle for good dirty spirutal living because theres no way im not going to drink for the rest of my life!

Im not sure how I will go but Im prepared to try it and see.

no, not really Im still on the floor. 

Its not like I havent done alcohol free days before, its just that usually thats been because I have been suffering from a horrendous hangover.

I dont know what this shift is exactly that has caused all of the lights to flick on in my life but I am not complaining! oh I think I worked out how to do......

                                                                             


that as well.  (Cause that was just so hard really wasnt it.) righto, my 40 minutes on the wii fit is about to start.  LOL cause starting this with pnemonia is so the BEST plan EVER.
At some point I shall hit up Atheekial for some positive thinking and self healing but for now... a warm blankie and bed is what I need. 40 minutes on the wii indeed, what a joke.

Kicking into Creation

Well Ive done it.
found my purpose I mean.
of course I could just be manic.... but I don't think so, Ive checked that.

I was playing really, when I started to make a video.  I wasn't setting out to find the answer to all the questions Ive been asking lately.  But somehow that's what happened.

Admittedly it helped that I liked the web cam functions for taking still shots and add to that my new found respect for what I actually can look like given the slightest amount of attention to myself.  (like actually using some of the techniques I was taught at beauty school) oh yes... me... beauty school.  I was taught by the best of the best how to apply make up, how to give facials, how to pluck eyebrows... that's probably why I avoid all of the above like the plague. 

Recently however I started realising that although I don't actually give a shit what people think of me and I don't encourage people judging books by their covers in the slightest.... it actually makes ME feel a bit nicer having applied a small amount of eyeliner and lippy.  It always used to be such a statement in the lesbian world.

"are you a lipstick, butch, boi, gurl, in, out, bi, trans, sporty" the list truly does go on.

I always found it hard enough to identify as 'Lesbian' personally.  It always seemed like just another label and to be honest I've always maintained that I don't fall in love with someone because of whats between their legs, its a soul thing as far as I'm concerned. 

In saying that if you stood a naked man and woman in front of me you can guarantee I would hardly look at the man, but I'm quite sure even straight women must feel like that.  I mean a penis just isn't attractive is it.  where as breast are comforting to anyone subconsciously I'm sure.  Naturally I could be wrong, but if I am that just makes me a lesbian which I pretty much already knew.

For a few weeks, in my life, the pressure and eminent threat of change has been building.  I have been sat wracking my brains trying to think of business ideas, career paths I could pick, All sorts of things and suddenly, while playing, it came to me.

I preach and I preach about being who you came here to be, about walking your path, living your life the way you want to live it, ultimately being happy.  No-one really reads what I write though since I have a tendency to ramble, well that and a general laziness on my part when it comes to actually doing anything with anything I write.

Its a bit hard to play the "hard done by unpublished writer" role if you don't actually even try to get anything published.  HOWEVER.... One of the key things that I have learnt in life is that you don't do something expecting something in return.

Therefore its never been a surprise to me how many people are unhappy at work.  People work for money.  People work for for all sorts of reasons but you will never, not ever, find a person who works just because they love it.  Because then it isn't called work anymore its called living. 

Because of the fact that my brain doesn't produce the amount of chemicals it's meant to and the fact that it has an extra wavy line on a scan that is less common then common, I don't 'do' stress.  I have had complete meltdowns in the past and I have learnt through experience and through reading as much information as I can, how to deal with the way my mind works.

The basics are that I need to make sure that at least every three days I get a chunk of sleep that is a minimum of six hours.  I need to stop and breath when people rush at me with information.  I need to say no nicely to people when I want to and say yes to myself more often when I don't want to.  I need to eat at least one good meal every two days.  I need to spend a lot of time focusing on the beauty in the things around me which means (for me) going fishing a lot or going on trips in the country with my camera. but essentially avoiding stress is the biggest thing.

Unfortunately comitting to do the same thing day after day on someone else's terms to someone elses rules to increase someone elses bulge in their wallet causes me stress just thinking about it.  In truth its not because I can't work but because I work too well.  When I am working at something it gets all of me.  I am an all or nothing type of person.  When I was vet nursing I was doing 16 hour days with no breaks frequently because it was my life.  It also damn near killed me eventually.  The breakdown that came with that was the biggest ever since it coincided with the falling apart of what I thought to be a fabulous relationship.

So I made this video, playing around.  and that's when it hit me.  The reason I'm here.  If I can make at least one person a day smile then that's payment enough. I have been inundated by text messages and emails, I'm really quite blown away.  One person wrote...

I am ptss,  i have been suffering for the past two years with chronic depression. ( clinical depression is the proper term i think)   You give me hope darlin and i thank you for that <smile>  be well and brightest blessings to you.

and in those few lines outlined exactly what somehow I knew to be my life purpose.  The feeling was like coming home after a holiday.  It was fun being away but theres nothing quite like your own bed.  That warm welcoming feeling.  Its hard to describe.

Recently I posted about wanting to run up to strangers and say " welcome" somehow I feel like I have just done that to myself.  What a fabulous feeling it is to be a purposeful creator in the vortex of manifestation.  I am LOVING life.

I had a doctor once tell me that if one day I walked into his office wearing makeup with nice shoes on he would know I am OK.... I thought he was the most antiquated old fool in the world back then, yet when I look at myself in the mirror tonight, I'm thinking, maybe theres something in that after all.....

because apparantly you can post videos on this blog as well....

Love, Light and Mental Illness.... the easy to read version

ONE SOURCE ENERGY

Certainly I will continue my rant, you didn't think it likely I had stopped did you?

You know when we speak of one source of energy I sometimes wonder if people instantly start thinking in terms of electricity bills.

There is no easy way to deal with money.  Little bits of paper.  Typed numerals on a page.  That is, in almost complete honesty, all that money represents to me.

Often I get a hard time for what I do, or what it appears I lack the need to do.  Which indeed is true.  I do lack the need.  My need is to make life more enjoyable in any small ways that I can for other people.  Not in a selfish or in a handing myself over type of way, I have been wrong in my approach throughout my lifetimes enough to know that I am reaching a pinnacle point of understanding.

I will no longer give my joy away.  I will share it with those who wish to embrace it, I will dance with those who are also dancing.  I will,  in any way, shape or form possible, ensure that my loved ones are smiling.  Though I now understand that I can not make them smile.

The thoughts that bounce within the confines of your head can only ever be amplified.  If you are in a state of anger most of the time, anger will be amplified.  If you are in a state of worry, worry will be amplified. I understand that many people would have already reacted strongly to these words. What we should be focusing on are happy thoughts amplifying more happy thoughts.

"That's easy for you to say" well actually yes.  Yes it is.  Not because I believe it to be an easy process but because I have come through the process myself.  I sat tonight and watched what was in some respects a screen play of a life I have lived in this physical existence.  I watched a young girl sobbing in the emergency ward as the nurse bandaged her wrist.  I watched a woman doubled over holding her stomach whilst her eyes screamed for nothing more then a hit of morphine.  And finally I saw myself now.  Sitting with a much loved family member.  Being a calm, responsible and to my utmost surprise, stable, person.

It was in some ways a shock.  seeing those other lives I have lived.  I watched that young girl and her best friend who was trying to keep her calm.  I heard the doctors fighting over who would be lucky enough not to deal with her.  In some ways I wanted to reach out and grab her by the shoulders and say, HONEY your all of about 23 years old, you have a lifetime of much worse pain, much more real emotion and intense lessons and I promise you, I PROMISE YOU that you have the power within yourself to stand up and amaze yourself at how good and how happy you can learn to be in the face of anything life throws at you.

Naturally had I attempted to say any of that I myself would have been committed given my mental history within the walls of that hospital, however.... This experience, that life time, and the other, the woman who was clearly just out for some morphine because she had run out of money for anything else, those lifetimes made me. 

Literally.  I am not kidding even in the slightest.  If I had the choice to do my entire life over I would not change a single thing.  Not one fraction of time.  Because whilst, as we said before, some people do find it easy to say 'just be happy' the key is actually in understanding the incredible depths of being unhappy and in understanding that the difference between the two is simply - yes simply - a matter of thought form.

When you are down it is so easy to look around and see everything as being so very bad.  Which in actual facts only leads for the opportunity for things to get worse.  If, when you are down you make an effort to do things you enjoy, you discover - as is the law of attraction - that joy envelops you once more.  en-joy.  envelop joy.  It is found in the smallest and most basic of things if it cant be found anywhere else.

I quite honestly remember at one point the only thing I was grateful for was my ability to go to the toilet.  Not physically, I don't mean physically, I mean in going to the toilet I had a time out from the world however brief it may have been.  And so from there I enveloped that small joy and enlarged that small joy by making the small enjoyment slightly bigger.  To this day my toilet walls are a shrine of positive affirmations, poems, prayers, drawings.  Essentially its just a small room you can close yourself away in for a moment and remind yourself of who you really are.

Occasionally I must remind myself how close I came to not being here today.  Occasionally I will stop and take a moment to be thankful to myself for surviving.  For finding the strength to continue when there was nothing left to continue with.  Oh I know its not easy just to 'be happy' when you are unhappy.  But its not impossible.  and whats more the secret lies in the fact that it is only ever as hard as you make it.  The more pressure you put on yourself to be happy the less happy you will be.  sometimes you need to give yourself permission to NOT be happy in order to regain your happy.

Trust me, I know this to be true.  at any given moment, the more you want something because you feel you should have it, the further away it gets.  The more you give in and surrender to the flow the easier life becomes.  The more you see yourself with the things that you wish to have the more you invite them into your life.

We are meant to ride this flow with these streamlined vessels that we have chosen.  We can fight it, free will dictates that we can and we do, do exactly what we like when we like.  But the more something angers, upsets, frustrates, depresses you the more you think about it, the more you think about it the more it angers upsets frustrates, depresses you, the more it angers, upsets, frustrates, depresses you the more you think about.  Its a vicious cycle that can only be broken by locating your joy and enveloping it. 

It could be as simple as working out that you enjoy eating a chicken roll every lunchtime.  enhance, envelop enjoy it - more.  Take smaller mouthfuls, FEEL how nice it is to enjoy something again. re- mind yourself of that feeling of joy, because I guarantee you that it has never actually left your mind, it has only ever been buried with that which you deemed more important than it.  Nothing is more important that your joy.

Sometimes life is all about baby steps. 

Right now, I am in love. I am finding it highly amusing and very very pleasant. I had actually long ago given up on the feeling of love.  I had encased myself with strong walls and protected myself from every angle.  Yet now I find the walls have simply blown away and I am bouncing through enjoying every moment of every day.  I could clarify that what I am in love with in this exact moment is life.  Who I am relishing the company of in this present minute is myself, yet I know without question that this feeling of having is bringing about the experience.  Right now Ill happily laugh it off as being about my new computer.

Whatever the case, good things happening to me and my family.  I know this to be true.  Some perceive them as difficult times, I just see change.  Change is a good thing.

"In his moment of congratulating himself his foot caught under a tree root and he fell flat on his face."

Naturally it stands to reason that the first thing I would write on my brand new flashy computer - which, I will add, I paid a small fortune extra for to have a 'good to go' service done on it - would be written in 'notepad'.

I did - FINALLY - upgrade my 'word 03' to 'word 10' which - upon my usual awakening moments of thinking 'I must write that down because its vitally important and could change the world' - was something that gave me an added buzz of excitement over this whole new computer deal.

I - being myself - find utmost joy in the smallest things really and yet here I find myself on the best computer I have had thus far, thinking : Why am I not using my brand new word 10? After all - the small voice in my head taunts me - I got 'good to go'

Apparently "good to go" means that whilst they will remove demo programs I don't need and install programs I do need, they will also omit the small part of the proceedings that would suggest that actually opening the program and running it to ensure it works would be a good idea.

Now I do realise this is nothing major. The words 'please enter your valid product key' are not so very serious when you do actually have a valid product key - unlike the version of word 07 that my laptop has been tormenting me with for the past two years - my point was that its not very 'good to go' is it?

Without tethering my new 'good to go' PC to my Iphone for Internet access - which I am still insanely impressed that I know how to do - I could'nt even play a game on it thanks to instant upgrades needed to 'direct x'  - whatever that actually is.

Now I'm not complaining about the actual physical service received here by any stretch of the imagination because - without a word of a lie - we are going to write to the company and praise the three young guys it took to put up with me and agree to my demands. Ideally the letter praising them wont actually end in them getting in trouble as I am really quite sure they are still wondering how on earth I got quite so much money off in the first place.

However, as seems to be the case with everything these days, nothing is as simple as it sounds.
I think the worlds greatest lie at the moment, one that even I am culpable of using, is "Yes, I have read the terms and conditions."

Are you SERIOUS?

153 pages of 'under act 3.5 of the most mundane and boring law every to be conceived it states in paragraph three in lower case and the occasional capitol letter that you, the reader, therein, the person whose eyes may or may not be connected to the brain reading this incredibly informative statement, may, depending on section 6.8 of the above mentioned document or may not, should section 14.3, paragraph eight occur, be asked for your email address'.

Hmm, let me think, read every word of 153 pages of THAT or simply tick the box that said I read it? No brainer. Tick the box, someone must have read it lately, it cant say anything to bad otherwise people would have sued them or done something equally as brilliant.

Then again, perhaps we all simply tick a box that says we read it whilst secretly agreeing to give all our worldly possessions to the person that wrote it. I must say even I would be slightly tempted to put a small clause like "In case of the writer of these terms and conditions seeing on her bank statement a balance of less then $50 you shall instantly forward her $10"

Hey I'm not greedy, the amount of people that wouldn't actually read the terms and conditions on something like 'word' and instantly agree to that, would mean that Id be a millionaire in two weeks and be done with it.

I must, in closing, explain the title of this blog. It would be entirely out of character for me not to be sentimental in the writing of the first 'Blah' on this computer, therefore, Tertof, lost in his magical wanderings - and due to the fact that he has just turned twelve years old and is my most talked about - yet still unknown - 'adventurer'. I feel he earned a right to be mentioned.

Well that and the fact that I woke up with that line out of my book in my head anyway.

One Source Energy

I have had one of those moments in time that take your breath away.

One of those visions of the world being thrust into creation.

I have found my stage and I am prepared to step up and hear my calling.

I have been told all of my life, by almost every psychic, healer, teacher or guide that has come into my journey to help me channel that which is myself, into the full consciousness of my being, that I would speak to large crowds of people.  Or that I would stand on a stage talking to people.

I used to scoff.  “I’m not a public speaker!” Oh sure, I can speak, I can speak really well.  For hours, and hours, and hours in fact.  But put me into a crowd of people and well, quite frankly, the energy is just too much for me.  Its scattered, fractured, tormented, excited.  Its in love, its in lust, its in jealousy, anxiousness and a million different fears, hopes, dreams, disappointments, judgements and so on and so on and so on.

I have to stop and refocus my intent just thinking about crowds.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say.  I mean don’t we all? People like me? People like you.  For I am you.  You are me.  We are all one.

Everyday, if you are capable of it, you walk past or you have contact with people.  There are some random strangers that you would be pretty much guaranteed to see every day as well.  The local guy that sells the paper.  The bus driver.  That woman in the blue car who starts work at the same time as you do and parks in the same car-park as you every morning.

If your aware of the fact that we are all one your day shifts dramatically from the first moment you consciously remember it.  You smile at them, because you know them.  You wave and say hello because you are their friend.  You hold your hand out to pick them up if they fall over because you love them.  You hold them in comfort when they are sad because they are you.  You become less aware of the singular battles you face and more aligned with the battles that we face as one.  The bigger global things that we must heal.  For it is only as one source energy, that we posses enough focus to allow this healing to occur.

There are many more voices like mine, like yours. Speaking out and saying ‘its time for a change.’  The problem is that so many people are saying that whilst sitting back wondering what coloured socks to wear tomorrow that change is hanging around the corner still waiting for permission to draw us into a truer, more fitting reality.

The Earth is in need of us.  We have stamped upon her, we have poisoned her, we have tried in every which way we can to destroy her and she is saying “enough.” As gently as she can.  Isn’t it time we loved her.  When was the last time you appreciated a blade of grass.  I’m quite serious. I can’t make you go outside and look at it until you see its beauty and are reminded of the grace and the blessing within every part of this planet. But I damn well recommend it.  I would say ‘stop to the feed the Ants’ but some of my facebook friends wouldn’t find that all to strange a request as they know that I tend to do things like that.

I know people that think the fact that they recycle makes them ‘earth friendly’ They will still fire a can of aerosol, insect murdering, vapour into the air willy nilly at the hint of a living creature in their house.  I find it highly offensive.  They are native. They were here first.  We give them every possible opportunity to have the best life they can find for themselves and then we jump on a chair or we try to find the perfect way of eradicating as many of them as we can.  I hate to tell you spider phobics, snake phobics, cockroach phobics, caterpillar (*cough cough cough*) phobics but they are you as well!

Ah yes, now we get into the more controversial side of it do we not?
OH MY GOD this crazy woman is telling me that I am one with a cockroach! Yes, yes take some time and have a little giggle.  I shall explain though.

One Source Energy.

There you go, you thought it was going to be a long winded, in depth explanation didn’t you? No.  There is only truth, which is, that there is no separation.

My guides have never given me names.  They have always impressed on me the importance of not separating myself from them, and therefore not separating myself from everybody else.  I have, in fact, had the conversations many times because when you first open your eyes to a deeper perception of this life that we live, one of the first things you learn is about the presence of these guides.

Generally you will also find yourself surrounded by people who are prepared to help you physically understand how to start.  And these people will frequently reel off a list of the names of their own guides within assisting you to find yours.

Naturally the first question you ask when you feel you are ready is :
“who are you?”
My stock answer that I always receive is
“Greetings my child.”
And I will say, “who are you?’ again and they will say.
“It matters not who we are only that we are here.”
I have actually on some occasions been pissed off and demanded names and I have always been told the same thing.

“It doesn’t matter what you call us, there is no separation.  We are no better nor worse then you, you are no better, nor worse then anyone.  We are one.  We are all one.”

Names and labels cease to exist in a world of non judgement and unconditional love.

My soul name however I was allowed to know and it serves me greatly for the purpose of centring myself.  My souls name is Atheekial.  I guess for all intents and purposes I would be classed as a joker.  My main reason for ‘being’ is to help, to heal and to encourage laughter wherever possible.  Because it is, always, possible.  Even in our saddest moments it can be bought forth by the right memory.

The fact that my guides never gave me names however is important only because it emphasises the point of One Source Energy.  That was my remembering.  I will clarify here because that word is used out of context for some.  When I say remembering I mean that I am relearning something I have once know before.  Every lesson we have, every step forward we make is bought about by a remembering.

Now I will also take a quick side step here because I also feel the need to briefly explain to those who are entering that growth moment of wanting to know your guides, how to contact them.  Feel free to skip ahead if you know this but it is rather important.

ASK.

That’s it.  Once again you thought there was going to be a long in depth discussion didn’t you? No.  None of this is hard people.  All of this exists within us already.  You can read a million books and hear a million different point of views but essentially it always comes down to this.

Give yourself permission to be who you are to the fullest extent of your being.

Relax.  Ask to be protected.  Allow yourself to release fear and be confident, because believe me, there is not one single living entity that doesn’t have free and constant access to their own one source energy self.

That is the entity that is your soul.  Your soul generally resides mostly in an ascended state.  Connected constantly to the One Source Energy. It is the thing through which your guidance is channelled. Without contact with your one source self, that which some may know as ‘higher self’ (but I don’t go for the level type of wording) For it isn’t higher then you.  When people hear the word ‘higher’ they are instantly imagining some unreachable self in the stars.  Once again, it’s not that hard people.

Your ‘higher’ self walks beside you always.  Like your shadow, only it’s brighter in the dark, unlike your shadow. Your One Source Self is the one who consoles you in your darkest moments, it’s that tiny voice inside that says, “you can do this.” “Your going to be ok.” How much you listen and how loud its voice becomes is a choice you make in the moment.

I have conversed often with the “voices of the universe.” Much more frequently these days though, as I seem to have shifted into a different vibration of beingness.  I also am quite convinced that one day spell check will acknowledge the language we have created.

For instance, one word that springs to mind that spell check absolutely refuses to allow is ‘sunject.’  In previous conversations it has been explained to me that the word sub-ject suggests ‘lower then’  Sub meaning below.  (Like sub-conscious – deeper then the conscious level of our reality.)

Whereas the conversations that spring forth between these entities and myself are far from ‘low’ conversations.  Therefore it became apparent in my days of automatic writing that they were not, as I had thought, spelling the word the wrong every time they wrote it.  They were in fact misspelling it for a reason.  A sunject, as they explained, it a much brighter topic of conversation.  After all, who are we to be limited by something just because the world knows nothing else.   Yet.

Yet, being the operative word naturally.  For all around us there are shifts of such gigantic proportions right now, that there are millions of people stumbling around not knowing where to turn.  I see friends, best friends.  Going through such turmoil.  How I would love to shake them by the shoulders and make them believe what I believe.  Make them feel what I feel.  I can’t of course.  I have actually tried on numerous occasions but it just doesn’t work like that.

I do not have any of my own physical children, I have never given birth and I don’t pretend to understand how that must feel, to watch a tiny helpless human being enter the world and open their eyes to an entire new life.  And yet a rather large part of me feels like I am doing that every day, in every place I look there are helpless human beings opening their eyes to a brand new life.  Sometimes I want to run up to strangers and hug them and say “May I be the first to say ‘Welcome’”.

Welcome, because it is a whole new life.  People talk of past lives in reference to other physical existences but I’m not overly sure that to many people class this life time as being stages of lives.  We have past lives within lives.  In a recent past life I experienced the deepest loss I had ever physically encountered.  The fact that I can say it happened in a past life, moves it to the place where it needs to be in order for me to be aligned in my present life.

It allows me to laugh with the memories of the huge amounts of moments that preceded the loss.  Those moments of the ‘having.’  Because it’s easy to stay stuck in loss.  The unfortunate truth is that we are all here for whatever time we are here for and then we leave.  There is possibly never going to be a time when the world will accept death as beautiful.  But it is.  Because it is a part of life.  Really it’s just a shifting of dimension but lets leave that sunject for another time!

There are a million different beliefs on life and death and how we should perceive it.  I think the best explanation I can give is that life is here because we choose it to be.  The meaning of life as far as I’m concerned is to find your meaning in life.  That’s why there is no answer to that question.  Not just one anyway.  There is an answer for every person on the planet, you just have to stop asking the question externally and start asking internally.

There has been such a raging debate for way to many years about the places we deem to be Heaven and Hell.  About religions, gods, land, money, power, ego, greed.  Fight fight fight.  Where has it actually gotten anyone? May I be so bold as to simply suggest, WHO CARES?

If your neighbour believes the tree in their back garden is purple, (go with me here) you can see its brown and its green, but they quite firmly tell you, no.  Its purple.  You get a second opinion.  A man walking down the street gets called in.  “Oi, is this tree brown and green or is it purple?” the man from the street stands back, cocks his head,  looks at the tree and says “no man, its like a yellowy colour”
“no no no!” you say. “there’s no way its purple and its certainly not yellow!” a third opinion is called upon. Another neighbour enters the debate with the opinion that actually you are all wrong, the tree is blue.  He says it with such confidence that the man who thought it was yellow may now concede it could actually be a purpley colour because of the green and the blue and the yellow mixing.  You now think he is crazy and that your second opinion didn’t count and around and around in circles you go.

Now I can tell a few people would be sitting back saying, where on Earth is this leading to? What is she going on about and do we really care? A Tree is a tree.  And THAT is my point.

A tree is a tree.  It brings life by purifying our air, it fertilises the ground and it nourishes all kinds of wildlife.  Who cares what colour it is? It gives us life.  We all (well most of us) love and respect trees.  Yet we don’t argue about what shape or size or colour they are, why? Well because we can see them of course.  Isn’t it funny how a familiar perspective changes things.

Why is Faith any different?  We all know what its like to feel faith, who are we to dictate how anyone else perceives it though.  You can’t see faith but you know its there.  It’s the same vibration in everyone who feels it.  Why do we care where it comes from or what people call it, why can we not just say.  “Another part of me experiences faith in a different way to how I do, but I am glad that they know it to be there however it is manifested in them.”

If we could all see that we are all one source energy, that there is no separation perhaps we would care less about who gets called what and which person wears what clothes.  I am guessing that there aren’t a whole lot of people that enjoy getting told what they should be doing and when they should be doing it.  Therefore why do we ever think its ok to tell someone else what they should be doing and why they should be doing it?

‘Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself” I’m not actually going to look up that quote to get the wording right, but we all know it.  We all know what its meaning is and yet still there is an outcry on the television tonight about some famous woman wearing a ‘burkini’ it’s a swim suit that covers all of you.  Yes its made for Muslim women.  Is it a good idea? Yep! Id wear one! I burn after three and a half seconds in the sun. Why not cover up and avoid the pain.  But oh no, the media are up in arms, portraying this to be a religious (or anti religious) act. Oh come on people WHO CARES? Seriously!

So I look out on a crowd of people, and in any given crowd of people you have a mixture of different personalities, each and every individual has opinions, issues, dreams, fears, and all sorts of other complex emotions that together merge to create the one whole person.  Dissecting those individual components that complete a human being is a pointless exercise because it would be endless.  I see this as a whole.

What I mean by that, is that we see all of that relatively easily when we look at an individual, but why do we not see that as easily when we look also at a crowd? What is the difference? There isn’t one.  Because we are all one.  As equally as many components make up an individual, many components that make up a crowd make up a single unit as well.  The end result is still a single energy.

There is no easy way to simplify this very vital fact of life.  You can (and indeed ultimately have to) multiply and amplify that to include the entire world.  Not just people.  Animals, trees, everything.  We are all one.  One source energy.  Whilst we may perceive separation, ultimately there isn’t any.  When you hurt another, you hurt yourself.  When you judge another, you are judging yourself.  Your fears hold you back from seeing what could ultimately be classed as ascension.  That faster vibration, that is, in essence, Heaven on Earth.

The planet at the moment is full of people searching.  Searching for answers, for clues as to why they are experiencing what they are experiencing at this particular time.  If I could only say one thing to the world right now I would say this.

Whilst you are searching - and that is a truly wonderful process - always remember that the only person who holds any answers to anything that you are searching for is yourself.

I have heard every excuse in the book, and used most of them myself at least twice, when it comes to ways to avoid looking within.  Naturally the most common one is “I don’t know how.” But it is as easy as breathing.  We breathe without thinking about what we are doing. We don’t consciously make the inhalation and exhalation of breath occur and yet it does.

I am here to remind you (because you already know this) that seeking guidance from the source of yourself is as easy as breathing and is happening on a sunconcious level constantly.  All you need to do is listen.  Let go of doubt.  Let go of ego and Judgement and fear.  And listen.

People often turn to psychics to tell them the future.  I myself am most excited to be going to see a very highly thought of psychic next week and yet I also find myself understanding that what I will hear is confirmation of that which I already know.

Again this is something my guides and I have often discussed, (I am getting tapped on the shoulder over the wording of this sentence already as it suggests separation from myself and my guides, but for ease of the explanation I shall leave it as it is.)

I experience clairaudience, clairsentience, Clairalience, Claircognazance and clairvoyance. Basically I can hear, feel, smell and know but not really physically see as well as others I know. (yet) I say this not out of an ego based need for a clap, but rather to explain that we all have these gifts.  Also to suggest that we are saying, spelling and understanding these words wrongly.  If we remember that these are actually ‘clear’ pathways to our much neglected other senses life becomes a little easier.

Clear Audience – hearing the voice of spirit, of guidance.

Clear Voyance – reading the directions of the map we have chosen in order to reach the destination we have also chosen.

Clear Sentience – the ability to align with the energy stored in a physical thing. (such as a ring or necklace for example)

Clear Cognizance – The ability to physically smell things that are not physically present.

Clair is French for Clear. The word IS clear. Let’s not confuse things any more.  We are all capable of all these things, they are no different to seeing.  We need to open our eyes to do that.  They are no different to hearing, we must learn speech to communicate must we not?

We must learn to use these gifts but they are present in all of us, no one person is gifted more then any other, only that some people have a clearer ability due to having more confidence in it and more understanding of how to access it. And so in saying that when it comes to my visit to this psychic this week I go for confirmation of what I already feel and suspect to be truth.

I will be told that I have fallen into a pattern of seeing my single life as the way that I cope best with this physical reality.  That I have a fear of letting another person into my life on an intimate level because in doing that I am opening myself up to the very core of my being for another human being and in my mind for some reason when I do that all I see is a dart board  on my chest.

We are a fallible race.  Yet I accept this as one of my lessons and I accept my reality for that which it is.  And above all I am happy. But still the thought of someone offering me an external hope is lovely! Let me for a moment hand over the responsibility of reading my own life and let someone else do it!

The psychic will tell me that someone is very close to walking into my life and the minute I free myself and open the door for them, they will appear.

I have become insanely good at stating that I don’t need or want a relationship.  It’s crap of course.  We all want a relationship.  I just don’t want a relationshit.

I want a friendship, a deep love and mutual cherishing with another being that isn’t based on aesthetics or finances or job satisfaction or states of health and which addictions you may or may not be afflicted with and what colour your hair is or your eyes are.  Someone who plays the game of life in honesty and pure intent, and doesn’t hide themselves behind mind games and pointless jealous accusations.  I want someone to walk through life with, to laugh with, and cry with and fight life’s battles with.

‘With’ being the important word there.  Not fight battles for, or fight battles against.
I see so many people maintaining unhappy relationshits just because they don’t want to be alone, or they think they wont find someone else, or simply because it has become a comfortable habit.  Like an old pair of shoes that if you wore in the rain your feet would get wet through the many holes, they give you blisters and the shoelaces are frayed but you cant bring yourself to throw them out.

I don’t want to get locked into a power struggle with someone, who loves who more, who does more for whom, who can be the most romantic, the most forgiving, the most giving.  It all adds up to hurt.  You can’t be someone else’s happiness and the moment the suggestion of that becomes reality its all over.

You have a day off work one day and you clean off and repaint her outside furniture for her thinking to yourself ‘she’s going to love me for this’  she comes home sees the fact you didn’t do this dishes and thinks.  Lazy bastards done nothing all day.  Its not till weeks later after you have broken up because neither one of you thinks the other appreciates you that she goes outside and thinks ‘does that furniture look a bit different?’

Communication.  Its all about that.  If she had said ‘id love it if you could just do the dishes for me today.’ Or if you had said ‘oh honey I thought Id clean and paint the furniture today, what do you think?’ instead of assuming things of each other and pretending that you don’t have expectations of each other, and trying to please each other.   It probably would have had a different outcome.  Talk to each other.

It’s no good trying to pull the old ‘I don’t have any expectations of you darling’ line, that’s crap and an expectation in itself.  The expectation is ‘your going to think more highly of me if I appear to have mastered the art of transcending expectations of others and just loving you for you.’ And anyone who falls for that line is also allowing the expectation of ‘your going to do things to please me’ because anyone and everyone knows on a deeper core level that there’s no way that statement can be true.

We expect our partner will help us with daily life chores.  We expect our partner will be there when we need them to be there.  We expect our partner to call if they are going to be late.  We expect our partner to tell us if they are upset with us.  We expect our partner to be honest and trustworthy. Need I continue? I think not.  Expectations are a part of life.  Communicating our expectations is the key.

(* please note that in the above example I am going with the fact that you do not live together.  If you live together and she needs to ask you to the dishes on your day off you ARE a lazy bastard and I don’t blame her for dumping your sorry ass.)

I see some people so full of ego that they think it’s something to boast about, having scores of people in love with them.  I shake my head sadly at them, because ultimately its not the ones who are in love with them and being tagged along like a puppet on string behind them that will find life the hardest, indeed it is those people who allow themselves to be dragged along that are usually the ones who come to their senses first and stand up and say “hang on! I deserve better then this!”

Which leaves the ego based ‘puppet master’ lost and alone and not knowing where to turn. They lean on those people that they drag behind them for support and comfort and yet they offer nothing back.  A one sided relationshit is always the first to fall apart. When the support and comfort is suddenly taken away by the unavoidable realisation of the puppet that it is no longer a healthy situation for them the ‘puppet master’ becomes a frightened powerless dictator.  It’s a foreign and empty world until they learn to see the error in trying to control people by manipulatating their emotions.

There are many other examples of power struggles that I could give but this is the most familiar to me.  It is also important to remember that as much as the puppet master may command, the puppet enables.  We are One Source Energy.  This is never not the case.  We give permission and we partake equally in these struggles.  My fear is in not finding another being who is prepared to communicate on a level that eradicates the need for these power struggles to occur.

Fears are one of our greatest allies and one of our most despised enemies.  Many would disagree I suppose, with me stating that fears are a good thing, but wait, there’s more.

For without fears what makes us check our intent? I’m of the opinion that along with the fact that ‘where there is light there is also darkness’ as well ‘where there is fear there is hope.’

Without negative we wouldn’t know the power of positive.  And whilst we strive to live in the positive we all know that without an awareness of what fears, darkness and negative emotions are, we would be completely unaware of those pinnacle moments of change and enlightenment.

Almost everyone I know struggles with abundance.  What I mean by that is that most people always want more then they have.  We are broke, we are unhappy, if we only had ‘this’ everything would be better, if only things were more like ‘that’ everything would be ok.

Wait.  Let me suggest this :

Life is not about abundance.  Life is not about how much stuff you have.  Life is about being able to walk in the skin of your own self with nothing else but a smile.  You may say you would feel better with that new car, but will you still feel better in a months time when you look at your bank account and you look at the car and you realise there is still an emptiness, maybe you need a better car and THEN it will feel better?

We get ourselves incredibly confused when it comes to manifesting our desires.  We think that in order to be happy we have to learn to manifest our dreams.  I say to you softly and with much love and respect.  That is the wrong way around.  We have to learn to be happy and THEN we are capable of manifest our dreams.

When we first delve into the world of manifesting we are greeted with books like ‘ask and it is given’ (with all due respect, a brilliant book) but when we pick it up are we thinking, ‘fabulous I can learn how to be happy’ or are our thoughts more along the lines of ‘fabulous, I can learn how to manifest myself enough money to be happy’?

You see life is not about abundance, life is about alignment.  I could reel off a list of the things I don’t have but in doing so I would affirming that there is the lack of things in my life.  When there isn’t.  I could also reel off a list of things that anger me, or things that I feel have been unfair.  But in truth, those moments have passed so why remind myself of them?

The point of power is in the present moment.  (Thank you Louise Hay) That is a key phrase to always remember.  In every given moment you have a choice.  No body else can make it for you.  People can suggest options but ultimately the only person who has any power over what you do, think or say is you.  If you decide a choice you made was wrong, the power is in the present moment to change that instantly.

Because nothing is ever wrong.  There is a reason for everything.  You may not like to accept the fullness of that statement, but it is truth.  ‘Wrong’ choices or ‘bad’ decisions only lead to learning lessons that you, on another plane of existence, decided you wanted to learn.

Life is a constantly turning and ever evolving cycle.  Our One Source Energy self has been a living entity for eternity.  It was born into creation at the very same time that the stars exploded into the universe.  May I add here that regardless of what you believe in terms of worshiping a figurehead to take responsibility for that action, the point I’m making is that, it happened.  And at that time our energy was born.  Because we are One Source of Energy.

Some like to say we were created in the image of God, or that we hold God in hearts.  (and when I say God I am referring to God, Goddess, Creator of all that is.) The Qur’an contains ninety nine names for Allah.  Judaism refers to 72 divine names and Vishnu has thousands of different names, so lets just say its safe to assume that this is the exact reason I am calling it ‘One Source Energy’  I am taking away the separation and the labels and the judgement and thereby including atheists and ‘don’t care’s’ into the global whole.

One Source Energy.

We manifest our own destinies, we dream our own dreams and we decide if we shall follow our heart or our heads on a daily basis.  We create life, we are bringers of death, we nurture and protect, and we judge and condemn.  We are ‘God’ people.  There is no separation.

The biggest thing that I am seeing people struggle with at the moment is ‘flow’. People are jumping in and out of it, or striving too hard to reach it, or trying to dam it up.  Let me suggest to you this, that as a part of One Source Energy you are an open channel.  Life, love and all the good stuff flows through you, you don’t need to hold on to it because it is infinite.

Imagine a hose pipe.  Water flows through at a rapid steady pace when there is no kinks or blockages in the hose right?  Understand that there is no limit to the ‘water’ and add the fact that instead of creating puddles at your feet your allowing rainbows to happen in the sky.

Our physical vessels are called vessels because we ride them on the flow.  With the flow.  And our trip is much more fun when we surrender and enjoy the journey.

So many times we hear that ‘it is not about the destination, it is the journey’ that is so very true.  I would add though that it doesn’t matter if we feel we are going the wrong way from our destination on the flow. Sometimes the destination we consciously choose is worlds apart from the ones we are guided to and life is about alignment with the fact that everything is as it should be, all the time, in every given moment.
Acceptance of that and surrendering the need to want to have control over it is a key factor in finding your happiness






S.L. Gordon

The Call of the Rider

I saw her, way down below me. Though it wasn't the sight of her that made me change my flight path. It was her energy, which seemed to penetrate my very soul, crying out as it did, into what it seemed to think was a hollow world.

I dove quickly, in a downward spiral, the wind assulting my eyes and nostrils in my haste to reach her. I saw the point of which she felt me. Her eyes suddenly flew upwards searching the skies, for what she did not know could be.
Clouds kept me hidden breifly from her sight but as I broke through thier cover her sudden intake of air was almost like taking it from my own lungs.

It was always like this, when they first saw me in my true form. Of course she had never known me in any other form so I could expect nothing less then shock and yet from her there was no feeling of shock, there was no familiar feeling of awe or fear for that matter. There was a welcoming feeling of Love.
This had been what I had felt from all those miles above I was sure. I was never a 'rescue the damsel in distress' type. There was something about her call that was neither begging for help nor questioning equality.
As I pulled myself to a stop beside her on that mountain top, my heart, for one brief moment, paused. From what, since years before hand, had become its sole job of pumping blood around my huge body.

I towered over her, my long neck arched proudly. Steam gently whisped from my nostrils, usually of course it would be smoke but after the wind whistling through my nose and mouth in my sudden decent from so high, at the moment it was an even more harmless vapour.

Her slender yet muscled arms unwrapped from thier comforting postion of hugging her knees to her chest. She stood. Everything about her was perfect. She was well toned, strong in mind, body and spirit. A sword hung from its sheath attached by a belt around her waist.
This woman was no slave.
She faced me, looking me up and down as she did so. Her eyes seemed to take in every aspect of my being at once in thier scan. They narrowed slightly and I knew this to be in approval. Already I felt an insane drive to please her.

'Come Dragon, we shall walk'
Her tone was not to be questioned, it sent a thrill through my long neglected bones.
I stood before her naked beneath my scaley armour, I knew I could no more defend myself from her then I could from myself I slowly walked toward her until we stood facing each other. I started to turn, as to fall into step beside her.

'No. Wait.'  Again her tone commanded obediance.

I stopped in my tracks. She looked into my eyes and outstretched her hand running it gently down the side of my neck sending a tingle of shockwaves cascading throughout my body.
'You have nothing to fear Dragon' she whispered.
And so it was that I was hers. from that instant. Who else but a rider feels a Dragons fears. Who else but a rider can ease a Dragons soul. Who else but a rider knows without questioning the power of a Dragon how to soothe them so instantly.
'May I ride?' her tone this time was not a command but a question. It did not demand anything from me that I was not willing to give. It was request for my service.
'Of course Mistress, but we must honour the code.'

She removed what I had at first assumed was a belt from her waist. Upon closer inspection I understood its true use as she had. My collar.

As she fastend it around my neck she kissed my cheek with delicate soft lips and spoke directly to my soul as she murmoured into my ear.
"Thank you My Dragon."

In perfect harmony we flew for years and years, journeying through the seven skies together. Until to my distress I felt her begin to slide. The pull of the human physical exsistance overtaking her spiritual bond with me. I struggled onwards, shifting my body from side to side to try to keep her on board until in one devestating moment I realised she had gone.

I couldn't pinpoint the moment she had slipped. I circled backwards searching endlessly for years more looking for her but as is the case with a rider. When they are over the ride there is no connection left.

My soul cried out in agony at the realisation that dawned on me with the awareness of my new found weightlessness. For a Dragon without its rider is a lonely being indeed. We do not need a rider. We do not search for a rider. We are given a rider. For a dragon to loose its rider is like loosing a wing. It sends you spiralling in circles until you can counterbalance the weight that is missing within yourself.
I found her once, only briefly, long enough to understand that she was truely gone. I now I fly straight once more, without the tourmenting circles that had plagued me. A part of my soul will always miss her. My first rider. Yet the universe comforts me and tells me there is someone else who can ride. I want to look and yet I am forbidden.

For to look for a rider would only mean that you would not see when a rider has chosen you. Once more I am at peace with flying solo. I am happy in my journey, knowing I need only myself for my protection, and yet a part of me waits. Waits to once more hear that familiar call. And it knows that the lesson in loosing her was understanding when to cease flying and walk the instant my rider starts to slip until once more we can fly.





S.L. Gordon