I was explaining tonight the joy of mania. Not that joy is perhaps the right word to use if your talking to someone who has no control and is seriously all over the place spending every cent they have on stupid things when they have bills to pay.... oh wait.
No really. I have learnt my triggers, I have taught myself how to see it, call it and stop it. That could mean Valium, or generally it just means accepting the fact that I'm human. My brain works differently. A legend of a man and an inspiration to me, Mr Stephen Fry... asked a group of bi-polar people if they could, would they change the way they work and have a so called 'normal' brain. Every single person said they wouldn't choose to be any different and neither would I.
I don't expect anyone to deal with me and my eccentricity. Though in saying that I also believe that if someone could they would be fucking lucky to have me. See I don't hate myself, I don't even frown at my occasional inability to pick a melt down coming. I think I'm gifted. some would call it delusions of grandeur... I just call it the ability to appear sane when I need to and to fall off the planet when I need to. Escapism perhaps? who knows. Subconsciously if you look at life from a spiritual angle then the only difference between my brain and anyone Else's is the chemicals that it produces and the waves that it makes. Labelling that however is an entirely different thing. Apparently my most obvious label is schizoaffective disorder... an interesting term that they come about because they cannot explain the fact that I have an ability to loose it in such a way that I see spiders crawling on walls and can quite honestly be completely convinced that I am about to die... in saying that its been an awfully long time since Ive been through an episode to that degree. Mainly these days I just get frustrated.
and really, when it comes to frustration in this world... who doesn't? Sometimes its hard to remind myself that the stress I am feeling is real stress. That its OK for me to be not coping very well, that it isn't actually the fact that my brain doesn't function very well, it really is real life stuff that - as my fabulous GP explained - would make a sane person insane.
Id love to say theres a secret to how I have learnt to control my mind. But truly its been a fucking hard road of huge mistakes, heartache, loss and stupidity. In the end it came down to a choice.
I could spend the rest of my life ignorant, medicating myself and alienating myself from society - which to be fair I still do to a degree but only because society is so damn full of judgements and dramas and dishonesty. - or I could take responsibility for myself. Which ultimately meant a shitload of research - like.... a SHIT LOAD of research. The brain is funny thing. When I discovered that we dont use a whole hell of a lot of it I decided I would stop using the bits that dont work and start using the bits i dont use... ok ok I know how stupid that sounds... but really... if we have a left side and a right... the right side is fucked... lets unwire that side and wire up the side that works... this is where my mental illness comes into play because it allows me to believe this is possible. I went out and I learnt Reiki healing, I learnt Theta healing, I learnt how to communicate with guides and ultimately I learnt how to be in contact with my higher self - the one that isnt so screwed up. I learnt that anything is possible. If a person can cure cancer with their thoughts I could sure as hell control my brain.
My main issue was always depression, I could never get myself out of depression. Its like a black hole that sucks you in and leaves you like a rotten carcass being picked apart by cockroaches. There is no feeling in the world like wishing you could just will yourself to stop breathing for long enough to die.
Sure, Ive been there. its been a long time but it doesnt take much to remember how desolate and soul destroying that feeling is. Im not sure exactly what it was that clicked with me but I do know it started with the understanding that unless I saw the darkness Id never know the light. and it grew from there. I started to understand the really the deeper into the darkness I had ventured the more into the light I could walk. It might sound silly I guess but thats how I started. At my lowest points I would remind myself that as low as it got at some point the light would equal the darkness so if I felt really really bad I knew at some point I would feel really really good. At first it wasnt about balance, it was about staying alive.
I wrote things all over my walls, affirmations, prayers, things that reminded me to remember what it was like to have faith in myself.
Slowly the dark times got less, and I was able to start trying to work out what triggered them in the first place. This was the hardest part I think, because naturally it varies. I had a knack of attracting people into my life who only fueled my poor self image and aided me in my quest to feel useless. They were the first to go. I then realised that an awful lot of the time I said yes to things I wanted to say no to because i didnt want to hurt anyones feelings. I think we all do that to some degree - or, well, I still still do it to some degree anyway. but Nowdays I will say no if its to much for me. I also used to cave hugely to peer pressure. Id take drugs because everyone else was. only for me.... mmmm not such a great idea. enter paranoia. It wasnt actually until I was on a certain medication years ago that stopped paranoia that I discovered the extent that I lived with and the pointlessness of it. I had to teach myself not to care what people thought of me. I had to learn to love myself. I think for years I spouted off saying I loved myself... but I didnt. Id secretly look in the mirror and think... im not surprised Im single... awwww see I can give myself a hug now because I care about me enough to know how silly that was, and yet I understand the feeling so well that I could never deny it was a huge part of my life.
I look in the mirror now, and most times times I think... yep, Id do me.
Its not vanity that says that to myself, its respect. Its saying to myself that although I think differently it doesnt make me less of a person, in my mind it makes me more of a person. I dont know to many other people who can keep an eye on situations and know exactly when to walk away and when to play.
Im quite convinced that someday someone will walk into my life and see me for who I am and understand that to try to change me would be to break me. To confine me would kill me. To tell me what to do would enrage me. To pity me amuse me.
I am not broken. I am not sick. I am me. I get down. when I get down I make myself happy. I get manic. (enjoy it, cause I do) I dont let it stay for long... but mania can be fun and full of creativity if its channeled in the right direction.
So when people ask me how I do it, how I stay medication free and live with the labels I live with, I can say... because I learnt how to be as me as I can possibly be. I will always be completely honest and open about how and what Im feeling. Sure its gotten me in trouble in the past, but someone wise once told me... if people dont like my truth they dont need to hear it. I dont tell stories, I dont play games. all of those things only serve to corrupt your mind. I have to keep my mind as pure as possible and whilst sometimes thats easier said then done.... Im still walking forward, and right now im even carrying other people forward at the same time.... not "carrying" but encouraging, because another thing Ive learnt is that you cannot change or help other people. You can only encourage. Thats all you can do, the rest is none of your business. what they think of you, what they think of themselves, you cant change any of that... you can encourage. Thats all. and you cant even do that if your not keeping yourself in a good place. fuck thats hard sometimes. but when its hard is when you concentrate on encouraging just yourself. your energy goes into you because you are THE most important thing in your world. Believing that is equally as important. Mothers will say... no no my children come first... your children arent going to thank you for having to scrounge in the kitchen for cookies for dinner because Mum's crying in the shower again. You come first. always. you cant do anything for anyone else if your not good yourself.
Dont worry be happy.... LMFAO yeah I know... truely, I know... what a stupid saying when your as low as low can be... and yet.... if for a moment you could switch off the darkness, if for just a breif moment you had a switch in your head that you could flick a light on and breathe freely for a minute... imagine how fabulous that would be.... its there you know. there is a switch. and once you find it you will never loose it. The secret is in understanding that the switch is flicked by the briefest acceptance that everything is ok, its ok to be upset, its ok to be sick, its ok. we are souls in a physical vessel, the physical vessel has physical issues. your soul has the switch. in those moments when you dont want to see anyone, when the phone rings and you flick it over so you cant even see whose calling, when you wince at the sound of your own name because all you want to do is hide away. In those moments, remember the switch. dont go off all half cocked and get pissed off and even more depressed because you cant find it... it isnt that hard... and you dont have to look. you just have to believe.
WOW!...I believe ...you are amazing!
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